I forgot, I'm a hot mess.

Sunday I was in a skit. Sunday I forgot my line. Sunday I embarrassed myself in front of 300 adult volunteers. Sunday I ran & I hid. Sunday I saw my shame and sin face to face.

But before we get to that -- let's back up a bit to the incident on Sunday. 

In that moment on stage all I could see was my failure.  I was embarrassed by my failure so I immediately found a place where no one could see me. I sat there for a long while thinking about it and quickly realized that hiding wasn't going to do me any good. What had happened had happened. So I got up and went back to work. Lots of people came up to me to talk about it. All of them were encouraging. They poked fun at me, but continually reminded me that it was funny, cute, and they didn't care that I had messed up. What I had seen as failure, people had seen as joy & passion.

However, in that quiet moment hiding behind the stage the Lord showed me something so much bigger.

Last time I wrote a blog post it was the beginning of the new year, and somehow we are now six months into 2016. Last time I wrote I talked about not knowing where the Lord would be taking me next. I talked about how I had quit my job and had no idea what would be next, but that I was trusting Jesus with it. As I write now I am in my apartment in Texas. Who would have thought in these six months I would have traveled to 5 different countries, moved back to Texas, started working at my home church, and about to start grad school for social work at Baylor in the fall. Things have definitely changed.

But in the midst of it all, I have been hiding. 

These last six months I have been running from my failure and hiding from all those around me. Ashamed. I have even tried to hide from the Lord (lol, that's not even possible in case you were wondering). I've pretended that everything is okay and that I was trusting Jesus. When in reality I wasn't at all. I was trying to fix my failures. In my own strength I was trying to make up for what I thought I had messed up. 

I was a HOT MESS, yall.

I specifically remember someone I love dearly looking me directly in the eyes and saying, "You are not in a good place, Paige." and they were right. Of course, I replied with something sassy about how I was fine and not to worry about me. When really I wasn't. 

But,  Jesus.

When Jesus died on the cross so did my sin and my shame.

When Jesus rose from the dead into new life so did I.

I am no longer my sin.

I am no longer my shame.

I am new.

I am redeemed.

I am being restored daily.

Even though I know this, I continually hold on to my sin and wear it like a name tag. I try to fix it myself rather than resting in truth.

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin -- because anyone who has died has been set free." Romans 6:4-7

In Christ, I have been set free. I have been Justified, I'm in the process of sanctification, and one day I will be glorified with Christ. However, instead of leaning into the process of sanctification, knowing I have already been justified, I choose to put my old self back on. I try to earn my favor with the Lord.

I find myself being just like Martha. 

Jesus and the disciples were at Martha's home and Martha was busy and distracted trying to prepare everything. 

"She came to [Jesus] and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed -- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" Luke 10: 40-42

Martha wasn't doing anything bad, but she was missing the most important thing. While Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet listening to what He had to say. 

I am Martha, but I want to be Mary. 

I am worried everyone has seen my failure. I am distracted by the thought that I messed everything up. I am busy trying to fix it all on my own. I am working for my own glory.

But Sunday I was in a skit. Sunday I forgot my line. Sunday I embarrassed myself in front of 300 adult volunteers. Sunday I ran & I hid. Sunday I saw my shame and sin face to face. Sunday Jesus had me find a quiet place (behind a stage) where I could be Mary. Where I could sit at his feet and listen to truth.

He reminded me that running and hiding from assumed failure does no good. What has happened has happened. He reminded me that in my weakness He is strong. He reminded me that my life is for His glory...ALONE.

In the midst of my failures (because there have been many and will be many more) I want people to see my passion & joy for Jesus. Just like in the midst of my failure on stage people saw my passion & joy for my kids. I want them to see that Jesus is who has redeemed me and remade me. 

I am no longer my sin & my shame. I am a vessel to be used. My life is meant to show other people how good our Father is. So when I fail, I won't & hid. Instead, I will run to Jesus, I will sit at His feet and listen. I will let Him sanctify me (even when it hurts so much) so that at the end of the day when people see my life they see Jesus. 

Don't worry yall, I am still a hot mess. I think I always will be.
But, Jesus changes everything. 

So I am choosing to trust Him.

I am choosing to let my hot messness be an example of God's goodness & grace.

He is enough & He is good.

beautifully broken

It is officially day 3 of 2016 and I can't sleep. This has been a common occurrence in the past few weeks. So here I am, finally, writing about the past 7.5 months of my life. A daunting task to say the least, and one I haven't wanted to do.

Now, my lack of desire to write this post has not been because a lack of things to say. There are tons of topics I could choose to write about...my summer teaching 7th grade math in Tulsa, OK, moving to Kansas City, MO, my job teaching 7th grade science and coaching girls basketball this past semester, the difficult season my family has walked through recently, or the fact that when I return to KCMO, here in 5 days, that I won't be coaching or teaching anymore.

January 8th 2015 is when I found out I would be moving to KCMO to be teaching with Teach For America. Fast forward a year later, I never would have imagined that that is no longer the case. However, through out it all one thing has remained. Jesus is still Lord.

So -- that's what I will choose to write about. My Jesus being constant even in the craziest and most challenging of seasons.

As I look back on these last 7.5 months I'm filled with sorrow. As I have tried to process every change that has occurred I am met with tears and an emptiness fills my heart. I'm broken. beautifully broken. I wouldn't change anything that has happened because it's brought me to my knees more than ever before. It's taught me to truly be content with Jesus alone. To know with full confidence, when nothing is left that Jesus is enough.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

truth. my flesh and my heart do fail -- quite often honestly. but it doesn't end there. Because I am redeemed by a God who is enough. He takes whats broken about me and uses it for His good. That, my friend, makes me beautifully broken.

So earlier today I sat on the floor of my room in my parent's house talking with the Lord about all that has happened and all that is about to happen. In these moments it should be fear that fills my mind (don't get me wrong it does creep in sometimes), but instead a complete peace washes over me, which is only from the Lord. I know even more change is upon me as I seek what is next in my life. But it's come down to three truths.

1. The Lord has ordained my days before I was even created.
"your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

2. The purpose of the Lord outweighs the plans I have for myself.
"Many are the plan in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19: 21

3. My purpose hasn't changed. 
"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me -- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace." Acts 20:22-24 (check out my blog about purpose here) 

It's here, yall. The new year. 2016. I am so excited to walk into this year knowing I'm beautifully broken for the Lord. That in the midst of hurts, pains, and unknowns -- I can look up with confidence knowing I am redeemed, that the Lord knows whats a head of me, that Lord is going to use me even when my flesh and heart fail me, and that at the end of the day my purpose is to love the Lord and make disciples by loving His people.

It won't be easy. But I hope yall will join me.

Because it does comes with a love from the Lord that doesn't change, a Lord that rescued me, and that continually brings me back to Him. I'm humbled and hopeful for what's to come.

So with that here's to seasons changing and a new year.

2016 -- We're coming for ya!

"the seasons change and you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever"
                                                                                - Charles Spurgeon