I forgot, I'm a hot mess.

Sunday I was in a skit. Sunday I forgot my line. Sunday I embarrassed myself in front of 300 adult volunteers. Sunday I ran & I hid. Sunday I saw my shame and sin face to face.

But before we get to that -- let's back up a bit to the incident on Sunday. 

In that moment on stage all I could see was my failure.  I was embarrassed by my failure so I immediately found a place where no one could see me. I sat there for a long while thinking about it and quickly realized that hiding wasn't going to do me any good. What had happened had happened. So I got up and went back to work. Lots of people came up to me to talk about it. All of them were encouraging. They poked fun at me, but continually reminded me that it was funny, cute, and they didn't care that I had messed up. What I had seen as failure, people had seen as joy & passion.

However, in that quiet moment hiding behind the stage the Lord showed me something so much bigger.

Last time I wrote a blog post it was the beginning of the new year, and somehow we are now six months into 2016. Last time I wrote I talked about not knowing where the Lord would be taking me next. I talked about how I had quit my job and had no idea what would be next, but that I was trusting Jesus with it. As I write now I am in my apartment in Texas. Who would have thought in these six months I would have traveled to 5 different countries, moved back to Texas, started working at my home church, and about to start grad school for social work at Baylor in the fall. Things have definitely changed.

But in the midst of it all, I have been hiding. 

These last six months I have been running from my failure and hiding from all those around me. Ashamed. I have even tried to hide from the Lord (lol, that's not even possible in case you were wondering). I've pretended that everything is okay and that I was trusting Jesus. When in reality I wasn't at all. I was trying to fix my failures. In my own strength I was trying to make up for what I thought I had messed up. 

I was a HOT MESS, yall.

I specifically remember someone I love dearly looking me directly in the eyes and saying, "You are not in a good place, Paige." and they were right. Of course, I replied with something sassy about how I was fine and not to worry about me. When really I wasn't. 

But,  Jesus.

When Jesus died on the cross so did my sin and my shame.

When Jesus rose from the dead into new life so did I.

I am no longer my sin.

I am no longer my shame.

I am new.

I am redeemed.

I am being restored daily.

Even though I know this, I continually hold on to my sin and wear it like a name tag. I try to fix it myself rather than resting in truth.

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin -- because anyone who has died has been set free." Romans 6:4-7

In Christ, I have been set free. I have been Justified, I'm in the process of sanctification, and one day I will be glorified with Christ. However, instead of leaning into the process of sanctification, knowing I have already been justified, I choose to put my old self back on. I try to earn my favor with the Lord.

I find myself being just like Martha. 

Jesus and the disciples were at Martha's home and Martha was busy and distracted trying to prepare everything. 

"She came to [Jesus] and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed -- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" Luke 10: 40-42

Martha wasn't doing anything bad, but she was missing the most important thing. While Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet listening to what He had to say. 

I am Martha, but I want to be Mary. 

I am worried everyone has seen my failure. I am distracted by the thought that I messed everything up. I am busy trying to fix it all on my own. I am working for my own glory.

But Sunday I was in a skit. Sunday I forgot my line. Sunday I embarrassed myself in front of 300 adult volunteers. Sunday I ran & I hid. Sunday I saw my shame and sin face to face. Sunday Jesus had me find a quiet place (behind a stage) where I could be Mary. Where I could sit at his feet and listen to truth.

He reminded me that running and hiding from assumed failure does no good. What has happened has happened. He reminded me that in my weakness He is strong. He reminded me that my life is for His glory...ALONE.

In the midst of my failures (because there have been many and will be many more) I want people to see my passion & joy for Jesus. Just like in the midst of my failure on stage people saw my passion & joy for my kids. I want them to see that Jesus is who has redeemed me and remade me. 

I am no longer my sin & my shame. I am a vessel to be used. My life is meant to show other people how good our Father is. So when I fail, I won't & hid. Instead, I will run to Jesus, I will sit at His feet and listen. I will let Him sanctify me (even when it hurts so much) so that at the end of the day when people see my life they see Jesus. 

Don't worry yall, I am still a hot mess. I think I always will be.
But, Jesus changes everything. 

So I am choosing to trust Him.

I am choosing to let my hot messness be an example of God's goodness & grace.

He is enough & He is good.

beautifully broken

It is officially day 3 of 2016 and I can't sleep. This has been a common occurrence in the past few weeks. So here I am, finally, writing about the past 7.5 months of my life. A daunting task to say the least, and one I haven't wanted to do.

Now, my lack of desire to write this post has not been because a lack of things to say. There are tons of topics I could choose to write about...my summer teaching 7th grade math in Tulsa, OK, moving to Kansas City, MO, my job teaching 7th grade science and coaching girls basketball this past semester, the difficult season my family has walked through recently, or the fact that when I return to KCMO, here in 5 days, that I won't be coaching or teaching anymore.

January 8th 2015 is when I found out I would be moving to KCMO to be teaching with Teach For America. Fast forward a year later, I never would have imagined that that is no longer the case. However, through out it all one thing has remained. Jesus is still Lord.

So -- that's what I will choose to write about. My Jesus being constant even in the craziest and most challenging of seasons.

As I look back on these last 7.5 months I'm filled with sorrow. As I have tried to process every change that has occurred I am met with tears and an emptiness fills my heart. I'm broken. beautifully broken. I wouldn't change anything that has happened because it's brought me to my knees more than ever before. It's taught me to truly be content with Jesus alone. To know with full confidence, when nothing is left that Jesus is enough.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

truth. my flesh and my heart do fail -- quite often honestly. but it doesn't end there. Because I am redeemed by a God who is enough. He takes whats broken about me and uses it for His good. That, my friend, makes me beautifully broken.

So earlier today I sat on the floor of my room in my parent's house talking with the Lord about all that has happened and all that is about to happen. In these moments it should be fear that fills my mind (don't get me wrong it does creep in sometimes), but instead a complete peace washes over me, which is only from the Lord. I know even more change is upon me as I seek what is next in my life. But it's come down to three truths.

1. The Lord has ordained my days before I was even created.
"your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

2. The purpose of the Lord outweighs the plans I have for myself.
"Many are the plan in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19: 21

3. My purpose hasn't changed. 
"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me -- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace." Acts 20:22-24 (check out my blog about purpose here) 

It's here, yall. The new year. 2016. I am so excited to walk into this year knowing I'm beautifully broken for the Lord. That in the midst of hurts, pains, and unknowns -- I can look up with confidence knowing I am redeemed, that the Lord knows whats a head of me, that Lord is going to use me even when my flesh and heart fail me, and that at the end of the day my purpose is to love the Lord and make disciples by loving His people.

It won't be easy. But I hope yall will join me.

Because it does comes with a love from the Lord that doesn't change, a Lord that rescued me, and that continually brings me back to Him. I'm humbled and hopeful for what's to come.

So with that here's to seasons changing and a new year.

2016 -- We're coming for ya!

"the seasons change and you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever"
                                                                                - Charles Spurgeon

22 things I've learned in 22 years

(She's right it is pretty miserable & magical)

22 things I’ve learned* in my 22 years…

1.     Taking naps will always be a good idea

2.     Target, Mexican food, chickfila, and pizza could sustain me

3.     Drinking water is the key to a lot of things

4.     People are what are important in life. period. the. end.
   make ALL people a priority throughout every part of your day
   we should never be too busy for someone

5.     Flowers make everyone’s day better

6.     My planner is my best friend

7.     Anxiety can kill you – learn to trust Jesus

8.     Always GO BIG…and then go home
  do everything you can and in the best way possible,
  but don’t forget to go back to the ones who made you who you are

9.    Remember to have fun

10.  Being an adult is about realizing you know very little and need help 

      from everyone around you including strangers – take time to listen

11.  Trials are what define us – so battle well

12.  Risks are worth taking

13.  Wrong turns take you to where you’re supposed to be. trust.

14.  Don’t rush everything. Some times it take time for something beautiful to happen

15.  Give as much as you can
  there is more to gain in giving than receiving

16.  Playing with babies, children, and puppies will always bring great joy – do it often

17.  Roadtrips, new places, and new adventures create memories that will last a lot   longer then money – so GO!

18.  We aren’t all supposed to be the same.
  being different is what allows us to be the body of Christ

19.  Journaling
  if you don’t journal get one and start

20.  If expectations haven’t been communicated than you can’t expect anything

21.  Jesus uses broken people for His glory

22.  I’ve got a WHOLE lot to learn




*still learning ;)

REDEEMED | RESTORED | REFINED

I have been avoiding this post for over a week now – knowing that the longer I put it off the longer I can pretend that the last 8 months hasn’t come to an end. But reality always hits – reminding me that I no longer live in Kabana 39 on a fake island in the middle of Branson, MO. 

So as I sit in this reality I am forced to process through the last 8 months worth of mountaintops and valleys – but I am also faced with the challenge of looking onward to the valleys and mountaintops to come. Transition is a hard season to sit in. The sadness of adventures coming to an end partnered with the beauty of new adventures ahead; leaves a sweet bitterness in my heart.  Transitions are much like Spring -- from death comes life.  Flowers bloom, but only through the dirt of life.

And lets all be honest with ourselves, life is real dirty.

A year ago I would have told you I was going to the Kanakuk Institute to solidify my biblical foundation and to learn how to defend my faith. Last Friday I walked away with a certificate saying that I could do just that. And I can. I have learned more these past 8 months than the 21 years before and I can answer questions I never thought I’d even understand myself. But walking away from the institute has been abundantly more than that!

And I would tell you today that the Kanakuk Institute has been a season of sitting in the dirt of life watching a faithful God create beautiful flowers out of dead sinners. 

God did immeasurably more than I thought possible in this season and I wish I could share every victory and hurt with yall, but there aren’t enough words to express everything He did this year. So instead, I will pass along three truths I am walking away with – in hopes that it will encourage you as they have brought life to my dry and weary soul.

Redeemed | Restored | Refined.

Redeemed to recover ownership of by paying a debt

to set free as from slavery by providing compensation

I am a wicked sinner whose sins deserved death, but God being merciful and good sent his Son, Jesus, to pay my debt instead. Through His death on cross and His resurrection I am set free from the slavery of sin and given eternal life.

I HAVE BEEN REDEEMED!

“But God showed His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:22-23

Restored to bring back into existence | to reconstruct

Therefore I am no longer who I was before I knew Christ – for my old self has died with Christ. Instead, I have been made alive with Christ. I am a new creation.

I HAVE BEEN RESTORED!

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Refined to free from impurities | to remove by purifying

Now that I have been saved and healed – a new creation – the Lord works in me to cleanse me and purify my faith. So that as I journey through life I am constantly being reminded of the goodness of my God and get to point others to His glory.

I AM BEING REFINED!

“But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves to sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.” Romans 6:17-18

“In this your rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

Jesus saved me | Jesus healed me | Jesus is continuing to cleanse me

These three simple truths have brought me to my knees countless times this past year. Reminding me that I am a chosen daughter of the Lord, and nothing can change that!

These 8 months I have been confronted by many different battles, but in the end Jesus has already won the war. His name alone is powerful.  So sitting in the reality that the Institute has come to an end is a moment for me to pause and see how God has been so faithful to me! How he has brought me to my knees so I could see how big the cross is – how he has reminded me of how lost I am without Him – how He continues to show me how good He is even in a world so broken – and ultimately He has reminded me that the gospel is for everyone and changed everything!

so from here – we simply go

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:19-20

P U R P O S E

P U R P O S E 

Such a little word that brings so many questions to light. One definition I looked up for purpose said "The reason for which something exists or is done, made, used" The moment I read that I was struck me with so much fear. Questions started running through my mind...panic

"What is my purpose?"

"Why do I exist?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Who am I supposed to be?"

"Where am I going?"

on and on and on and on and on and on they went

taking complete captive of my mind

(i felt like i was reliving my first ever blog post)

I am such a thinker. I can't turn it off. Once something has been put into my mind it doesn't go away until I have solved it, come up with a solution, completed it, or found something better to waste my never ending thoughts on. It can drive me crazy sometimes, especially when I am not wanting to think about something -- but simply not wanting to think about something makes me think about it that much more. 

So recently my thoughts have been entangled with the thought of what is my purpose? Do I even have one? I know the next two years will be spent teaching in KC, but that doesn't feel like my purpose -- the reason I exist. 

Then recently in class it was brought up by one of my classmates, Nate...

P U R P O S E

Our purpose as believers is simple -- To glorify the Lord & make disciples

Acts 20:22-24 "And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me -- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace."

Reading that without hope in a living Jesus is terrifying, but reading it knowing who my God is gives me so much joy and peace. I may not know everything that will happen in KC or after. I only know hard times will come, but that everywhere I go I have the task of telling people about God's great grace.

And friends, that's what I am going to do -- straight up tell people about my Jesus

Purpose isn't something that should cause me fear because I know my purpose its found at the cross!

I consider my life nothing to me 

I am in awe of my Jesus

Death keeps knocking at my door...

Death is knocking at my door again, but I am not choosing to answer quite like I thought I would.

My dad's cousin & best friend, basically an uncle to me, died yesterday. That is FIVE people in my most inner circle to have died in the past three years. A best friend to cancer, a college friend to a car crash, one of my longest & most treasured friends to a car crash, my uncle to years of drug and alcohol abuse, and now Steve. At first it was once a year, but now in the span of a year it has been about every 4 months.

Death seems to be catching up to me, but death can NOT win.

My greatest, deepest, and most intimate fear is that everyone around me and everyone I love is going to die. On top of this fear is the reality of the situation I am in! Which makes it a fear that is really easy to believe. This has developed into me always at defense and always ready to run. Run from anything that threatens me to grow roots that could just be ripped from me. I've noticed it in the way I long for intimate friendships, but sabotage them when they become a possibility. Because another friendship just set me up for another death. 

Tonight sorrow grips my heart so tightly as I see my dad struggle and mourn for the loss of Steve, but I am shocked at my own response to it all. I am shocked because I can vividly see how Christ has redeemed me and defeated death in its ENTIRETY. 

2 Timothy 1:9-10 "He has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has DESTROYED DEATH and has brought life and immorality to light through the gospel."

I am confident in this because as I sat bawling in my car with my dad on the phone the other night as he was struggling with the idea that he would have to take his best friend off life support soon and watch him struggle in his last moments, as I sat there, my heart breaking, all I could proclaim was "My God is a good God." 

T R U T H always W I N S

So in the midst of my fear the lie I am believing is starting to grow dim in the light of the gospel. Death can knock at my door if it wants to, but it can not come in. Because Jesus Christ is victorious. He has WON, He has defeated death. There is no power in death, but there is POWER in the name of JESUS CHRIST! 

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely you bled, for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bow to none but heavens will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold you down
In strength you reign
Forever let your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Rise up from the grave...

"Christ is risen" - Matt Maher

PICTURE PERFECT

This week we studied Hebrews! Hebrews is a solid book full of so much truth. But that can make it a lot to handle at once so it took me a while to weed through all I had learn to land on some simple truths.

2 things I walked away with:

1.     Jesus is superior of all

                Hebrews 8:6 “But in fact the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, since the new covenant is established on better promises.

2.     Jesus is the eternal High Priest and His sacrifice paid it all

                  Hebrews 7: 24-25 “but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent                   priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.”

                  Hebrews 9:28 “So Christ, was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many;                   and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.”

                  Hebrews 10:18 “And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no                   longer necessary.”                 

There is so much peace in knowing our sacrifice has been paid and then we can rest in that. Knowing Jesus is superior to the old law and we have freedom in him. I am thankful for these truths this week because it has allowed me to rest in the truth of who Jesus is and what he has done for me.

Life is going full force currently, but I realized recently that I hadn’t posted many pictures so here is overload of my time at the institute. Also, if you missed my last post you should go over and check it out (here). It’s all about what I will be doing after the institute.

My roommate, Weasel

Suit mates <3 

My Favorite Host Family Sister

I N S T I T U T E

My favorite small group 

Nertz ALL the time