Abba, let me rest in your grace

I so often forget that Jesus chose me! 

John 15:16 

What freeing truth that is!!

I am the kind of person that always feels like I need to prove myself or I need to be perfect for someone to appreciate me, to be proud of me, or to even love me. I know growing up I would always want to be the best at everything I did because I didn't want to disappoint my parents, teachers, coaches, friends, etc.  I see myself doing this more and more with the Lord. Trying to change who I am so He will be proud of me or love me more. So that I can earn the cross. But that is so silly because He can't love me more.  He already loves me! He loved me when I was still dead in my sin. He has loved me at my worst and loved me at my best, and loved me the same both times!

[But because of his GREAT love for us, who is rich in mercy, 

made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions

 - it is by GRACE you have been saved.]

Ephesians 2: 4-5

[But God demonstrates his OWN love for US in this:

While we were still sinners. Christ died for us.]

Romans 5:8

Since the beginning He chose me. He has been there always, He patiently stood by me until I would look up and see Him there. So instead of trying to impress Him I need to learn how to rest in Him. 

The cross was not meant to condemn us, but to free us. 

But when I see the cross I want to see His grace! 

[For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,

but in order that the world might be saved through Him]

John 3:17

His sacrifice was to save me because He loved me, 

not to tell me I messed up or that I am not good enough. 

Truth is, I wasn't good enough and never would have been. 

That's why I needed Jesus.

And that is what makes this the coolest thing ever, 

He chose me when I wasn't good enough!

The cross is meant to bring GRACE!

Grace brings freedom! 

Freedom from bondage and death! 

We get to LIVE!

We now get to live as children of God calling Him father!

[The spirit you received does NOT make you slaves, so that you live in fear again;

Rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. 

And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."]

Romans 8:15

So when I begin to think that I have to win God's favor I have to remember to sit at the cross that brings freedom, not condemnation!

I have to remember that my father chose me.

Abba, I need you. 

Abba, I want you.

Experiencing Experiences

Sunday we woke up at 3am to fly home from an amazing "four" days in Costa Rica. Kelly & Joe, their oldest son Jake, and sweet Susan became mi familia for the weekend. So very thankful for everything they taught me this weekend.

About a month ago Kelly put out a blog post asking people to join her in Costa Rica for four days to see what the Lord is doing there and how we could become a part of it. (see post here). I didn't know why, but I immediately thought I should go. When I began to tell people I was going to Costa Rica for four days in the middle of the semester they thought I was crazy. But the more I thought about it the more I was like "Why not go?" I was able to go so why wouldn't I?

Not to mention that at the beginning of the semester I wrote out some big prayers for the semester. One was to experience experiences and another was boldness. And thats exactly what this trip turned out to be. An experience to experience while praying for boldness.

Two days of travel and two days of jam packed activity is how the weekend looked. It was crazy, but incredible. I would love to walk through day by day and tell yall everything we saw and did (maybe that will happen another time), but instead I want to share what the Lord taught me.

I so often put myself into a box. Believing that I can only do the things I know I can do. When I do this I put my God into a box. I start believing that He can't do this or that with my life or in my life or in my friends life or in the world...etc. But that is SOO not the case. God is doing immeasurably more than I choose to believe or even see.

This trip was about relationships, about fellowship with other believers, and seeing the Lord move in other peoples worlds. When it comes to missions I have always thought the best way to help is to go and do it for them, but I am starting to rethink that mentality. 

On Friday morning we got up early and made our way to the community of Buena Vista in an infamous barrio called Los Cuadros de Purral with Pastor Martin. I had never been out of the country for any kind of mission work before so it was new to me to see this kind of poverty with my own eyes. 

However, I was surprised to find that I wasn't feeling negative emotions, but a sense of hope. The community of Buena Vista is striving to tear down and rebuild their "neighborhood." The plans are finished and provide condo style living for families. But the coolest part about it is that each family must help build these new condos in order to live there.

That is SOO stinkin' cool. Imagine what we could do if an entire neighborhood decided to work together to change something!

But the biggest take away I had from this time was what Pastor Martin had to say to us when we returned back to his church to drop him off. He began to tell us about some of the projects they had started, but didn't work out and then went on to tell us of the future projects they are preparing to do next. While explaining this he talked about His role as a pastor and the role of the church in helping these poor neighborhoods change.

He emphasized how He (and the church) were to walk NEXT to them - teaching and empowering them to make the changes. He stressed how you cannot just come in and do it yourselves because then it isn't theirs and they don't have the desire to take care of the new homes or to change the way they lived before.

His point was we can't change them by changing the things around them!!

There has to be a heart change in order to see a person, a community, a country, or the world change.  It would be like making a trash can or dumpster pretty on the outside. The inside is still gross, stinky, ugly and eventually the inside will make the outside dirty again.

This is where I began to rethink how I saw missions. I cannot go somewhere thinking I can fix it. Because the truth is I can't! I can walk with people, I can help make things better for them, I can teach them how to do things they didn't know before, I can love them, etc.

BUT unless the Lord captures their heart and they begin to change on the inside then making the outside better doesn't do any good!

Pastor Martin's words challenged me to hit my knees and pray a lot more than I had been, because this world needs Jesus first and then people willing to walk beside others while transformation takes place.

After dropping Pastor Martin off we headed to the Casa Viva office. Casa Viva is a ministry that helps place children in Christ loving foster homes locally before finding a long term solution. At the office we were able to hear stories of different children from the staff. Following this we had the opportunity to have a home visit with one of the foster families.

Hearing this families story was an incredible moment that I won't forget. Seeing the honest real love this mother and father had was truly unreal. I was able to see the Lord moving and working in their lives right before my eyes. One thing the father said was "A lot of people are selfish. They don't want to foster a child because it will be too hard to give them away at the end, but fostering a child isn't about you it is about the child." Such incredible wisdom and selflessness from that father. I wish you all could have been in that living room hearing them tell their story as their sweet foster baby Samantha played.

This day amazed me. In a span of about 12 hours I experienced God moving in ways I never thought He would be doing. I got to see my God break through the walls of my little box I had kept Him in. He was doing AMAZING things in Costa Rica and I was blessed to be able to be a part of it for just a few short days.

When we returned home that evening and we began to processes the things we had seen and learned that day, I realized that even though I was okay with not knowing what was next I had put limitation on what I would let God do with me next. So as I experienced the experience of Costa Rica I have returned home praying BOLDLY for what is to come next! Because I know my God is BIGGER then anything I can hope or dream!!

Thankful for a rich weekend. My cup runneth over.

PS. day two rocked as well!! :)

PPS: Thanks Kelly for reaching out to us! Love you!

Called Higher

"You have called me higher
  You have called me deeper
  And I will go where you lead me Lord"

            -All Sons and Daughters


I am in college. I sit in a classroom or with a text book open studying most of my days. I haven't done anything big or great. People don't know my name. And I don't care if that ever happens, but daily I am faced with the question....

"What is next?"
"Where are you going from here, Paige?"
"What are your plans after college?"
"What do you want to do?"
"What's the end goal?"

 The list goes on and on. Never ending.

This question is in the back of all college students minds (even some high school students minds, now). It haunts us wherever we go. Everyone we meet, the first thing they ask is "What is your major?" and the second is "What are you going to do with that?" For months, I have struggled with that question.

I NEED an answer to tell people.
I NEED something that would please peoples expectations.
I NEED some idea of what I am going to do.
I NEED to know now.
I NEED a plan.
If I don't have a plan how was I supposed to know where the Lord is calling me?
I NEEDED TO KNOW!

Truth is I don't know & I definitely don't have a plan.

But the real kicker is I am okay with that!! (Those that know me, know that not having a plan is like pigs flying in my world...let's just say I love lists!)

Crazy, right? I am totally okay with not knowing where I am going next. I am at peace and full of joy with this. I am not saying it never crosses my mind or that it doesn't still freak me out sometimes. But releasing that burden to the one who created my journey was a burden I no longer had to carry alone.

Two reason why I am okay with living without a plan.

1. I get to live in freedom NOW!

When you stop worrying about tomorrow you get to enjoy today! (which still is a challenge for me). There is so much happening in our present life why do we want to be weighed down on whats going to happen next.

One of my goals for this year is to experience experiences. From talking to someone you bump into on campus, to late study sessions with friends, or the big things like getting my Aggie ring in April (WHOOP!) I want to be able to truly experience what is going on. I don't want miss something happening now because I was worrying about tomorrow.

Not only does this freedom allow you to experience today, but it allows you to live for Christ today. Daily it is a struggle for me to understand how God is using me here as 1 of 50,000 undergraduate students on campus. He has called me to be here, but what for?

Luke 9:23 says " Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

I have to remind myself to deny myself and follow him daily. I have to remember its about Him not me. I don't have to see what He is doing through me. He doesn't need me! But He lovingly chooses to use me.

Letting go of my 5 year (10 year, 2 year, 25 year) plan allows me to DAILY follow Him. It allows me to experience the experiences He has put in front of me. It allows me to daily trust Him. Which bring me to reason 2 of why I am okay with not knowing what is next.

2. I get to rest in trusting His direction for me.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your path."

My favorite part of this verse is that is says will make straight your path, not easy...not perfect... not what you want it to be... not what you think it will be... not what others want it to be...but straight...

A straight path can be bumpy! With ups and downs, a straight path can cause you to fall down, there might be rivers to cross and mountains to climb.

But it is a promise that He makes it straight.

I am okay with not knowing whats's next because GOD [that's the creator of the world, the creator of you and of me, the God that loves us completely, past my understanding, the God that extends graces and sacrificed His son so I could live] that God is in control of "what's next!" And that my friends, is comforting.

Someone once told me "walk faithfully and you can't go wrong." I have always held this close to my heart. If I choose to follow Jesus everyday He will lead me where I am called to be. He will use me how He wants me to be used. He will be lifted higher, He will be glorified. His name will be whats heard.

That is what I want. Like I said in the beginning I don't care if my name is ever remembered. I want the name of Christ to be remember. When people see "what I decide to do with my life when I graduate in May" I want them to see Jesus. I want them to see that His plan is sovereign and that He directs my path.

So I am choosing to follow Jesus. It isn't easy. I don't know where it is going to take me, but I know He has called me higher, He has called me deeper, and I will follow wherever He leads me.

What I have needed wasn't an answer to "what's next?"
I NEEDED my eyes on Jesus.